Dear Milk & Honey,
Hello again. If you asked, I'd probably tell you I had a hell-ish sort of week. It's boyfriend trouble again, you see.. We almost broke up today. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. Doesn't even know what the hell he feels for me & that really goddamn hurts. You see, he came back to me. Kissed me after two months that I spent heart broken and hurt and high. I miss being high. It's quite silly. But even though I binged like crazy, yet dieted like crazy, I didn't fucking care. Rainbows were everywhere and life was just wonderful.
I remember his best friend telling me one day, texting me, that he saw how much smaller I was getting. I remember his cousin having to run to my house at night just to check if I was okay. I had my heart set on killing myself that day.

I don't expect you to understand it, Milk & Honey, but the pain really was unbearable. It was like every single bad event that has ever happened punched me in the gut and stabbed me in the back. Every bad memory. Like the time I told mommy that the man that was renting with us was being mean to me, in a sexually perverse sort-of way, she never believed me. I try never to remember those nights when I laid on his goddamn bed, his black & white television filling the room, and crept away from his sleeping body to my own bed. Mommy, you never believed me. And I refuse to believe it ever happened.

Anyways, I don't want to go through that again. Oh please, I don't. Even if he apologized, there is no way in hell I would ever forgive him for coming back and sweeping me off my feet only to leave again. I just don't.

But hey, Millk & Honey. I'm going on a fruit and veggies fast next month which is a day or so. I can't wait. For now, I'll just take a shower. I don't quite like to discuss it, but I feel like I'm going to bleed tonight.

Oh, hello again dear blog. I should come up with a name for you. I can't go around saying 'Dear Blog' all the time. How about 'lovely'? No.. I call people 'lovely'. How about Milk & Honey? Yeah. Milk & Honey. After my favorite lotion. Let's start again then:

Dear Milk & Honey,
I had a pretty lame day today. I think my boyfriend is falling out of love with me. I don't mind though, because I'm falling out of love with him too. The whole story really isn't that interesting though. So I'll skip through it. I don't know about this love thing. This 'love' feeling. I used to be in love. Head-over-heels. Cliche. Until he started treating me as a friend. So I admit, I'm a girl and I think in fairy tales. But this hurts. This isn't love. But no matter how much I try to convince myself of this, I can't let go.
I think I'm quite sad. I ate quite a lot today. Ice cream was the worst. Stupid Starnival. Stupid school for hosting it. I would rather have used the money to bring back some classes than throw the school a carnival for some test scores. I went to the gym though. Even did a cardio class that I quite liked. But it's night time now, and I'm quite sad. I apologize, my dears, this post isn't quite as entertaining. So I think I'll head off to sleep. Before I become an insomniac again. Good night, lovelies.

I don't think I've had a day in the last 3 months where I didn't cry. I don't mean to go all emotional on you, but it's quite the truth. I've been having a considerable amount of bad days. Horrible days in fact though I do not wish to explain each and every one.
I went to the gym today though. Burned 417.4 calories on the elliptical. And did some weight training. I would've gone on the treadmill if my foster mother allowed me more time. In case you were curious, my foster mother and I got gym memberships. I find it quite funny though because she complains to me that she has gigantic calves. She eats like a pig though, yet walks on the treadmill for half an hour while I try and bust my ass off when we go to the gym. And she wonders why she's gaining weight, but I'll never tell.
Anyways, there's this girl I don't like. Let's call her T-Shirt. I'm sorry to say but I've been picking on T-Shirt for quite a while now. Little things though. But she's perfect. I've never wanted to be more perfect in my life and I think she's quite the trigger. Rollerskate skinny. Chipmunk adorable. Quite lovely. And I think I'm slipping back. I didn't mean to. It just sort of.. happened.
I started binging and purging again. Please, it's not my fault. But I think I can say it's been a good 3 weeks since I've purged. If you ever knew what it was like to feel fat, then I don't have to explain myself. I only ate lunch today though. I want to be rollerskate skinny too.

I used to love someone though. He always made me feel special. Supposed to be our 2 year anniversary next month. On Halloween, but I feel so unhappy. I don't want to get into the specifics. Because you see, I'm quite tired and yearn to go to sleep. But I miss being called beautiful everyday. I miss it. I miss being kissed. I also keep track of how many times he backs away from me. As if I didn't feel even more infectious. I think I'm taking up too much space. I became terrified though today in the bathroom when I undressed to take a shower.

Like I said before, if you know what it's like to feel fat, then I don't have to explain myself. But you see, I stared in that mirror today. My putrid, naked self. And I weeped. Laid my putrid, naked self on the goddamn floor of the bathroom and weeped. I don't classify this as crying though. I weeped. I weeped for the disgust in what I look like. Then I weeped for even thinking that. There must be a million starving children wishing they had my plump, well-fed body. I weeped because I felt so ungrateful. I quite believe I'm taking up too much space. And it saddens me.

I want to be happy. Such a simple phrase, I wish it was easy though. But I think my mind's deteriorating from normality. I crave the emaciation of a starving child. And I feel quite sadistic when my heart yearns for such. But death sounds quite appealing. Because I don't feel quite well, and I'm struck out of courage. So I would rather aspire to cowardice and stop fighting.

Hello again, my Ana Lovely. It's been quite a while.