I don't think I've had a day in the last 3 months where I didn't cry. I don't mean to go all emotional on you, but it's quite the truth. I've been having a considerable amount of bad days. Horrible days in fact though I do not wish to explain each and every one.
I went to the gym today though. Burned 417.4 calories on the elliptical. And did some weight training. I would've gone on the treadmill if my foster mother allowed me more time. In case you were curious, my foster mother and I got gym memberships. I find it quite funny though because she complains to me that she has gigantic calves. She eats like a pig though, yet walks on the treadmill for half an hour while I try and bust my ass off when we go to the gym. And she wonders why she's gaining weight, but I'll never tell.
Anyways, there's this girl I don't like. Let's call her T-Shirt. I'm sorry to say but I've been picking on T-Shirt for quite a while now. Little things though. But she's perfect. I've never wanted to be more perfect in my life and I think she's quite the trigger. Rollerskate skinny. Chipmunk adorable. Quite lovely. And I think I'm slipping back. I didn't mean to. It just sort of.. happened.
I started binging and purging again. Please, it's not my fault. But I think I can say it's been a good 3 weeks since I've purged. If you ever knew what it was like to feel fat, then I don't have to explain myself. I only ate lunch today though. I want to be rollerskate skinny too.

I used to love someone though. He always made me feel special. Supposed to be our 2 year anniversary next month. On Halloween, but I feel so unhappy. I don't want to get into the specifics. Because you see, I'm quite tired and yearn to go to sleep. But I miss being called beautiful everyday. I miss it. I miss being kissed. I also keep track of how many times he backs away from me. As if I didn't feel even more infectious. I think I'm taking up too much space. I became terrified though today in the bathroom when I undressed to take a shower.

Like I said before, if you know what it's like to feel fat, then I don't have to explain myself. But you see, I stared in that mirror today. My putrid, naked self. And I weeped. Laid my putrid, naked self on the goddamn floor of the bathroom and weeped. I don't classify this as crying though. I weeped. I weeped for the disgust in what I look like. Then I weeped for even thinking that. There must be a million starving children wishing they had my plump, well-fed body. I weeped because I felt so ungrateful. I quite believe I'm taking up too much space. And it saddens me.

I want to be happy. Such a simple phrase, I wish it was easy though. But I think my mind's deteriorating from normality. I crave the emaciation of a starving child. And I feel quite sadistic when my heart yearns for such. But death sounds quite appealing. Because I don't feel quite well, and I'm struck out of courage. So I would rather aspire to cowardice and stop fighting.

Hello again, my Ana Lovely. It's been quite a while.